mama said not to blog.

Guess what?!!!

2008-07-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

The molecular biologist wasn't accepted to the program!

FABULOUS.

I'm not writing about Miss America, Woo!

2008-07-14T19:37:00.000-07:00

I was blog tagged. I tag Khaira, my only blogging friend other than the one who sent me this.

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Paper Girl - I delivered the local newspaper on my bike ... really. The best part is that my Mom followed me in her car the whole way. Just in case
2. OHS Office - Where I wasted hours upon hours of my life doing things I shouldn't have been doing
3. Red Robin - Hostess with the Mostess
4. Nordstrom - Where I sold my soul... Don't worry, they let me return it.

B) Four movies I would watch over and over again:
1. Prime
2. Pretty Woman
3. The Break Up
4. Knocked Up

C) Four places I have lived:
1. 7817 N. Portsmouth - My favorite college house... but not because I got along with most of my rooommates because I didn't. I liked the neighbors. And Rachel.
2. 6717 N. Portsmouth - The Bunnas. I miss it. (PS - In my memories, Mike Mancini never existed.)
3. 530 NW 23rd Ave. - The cutest apartment ever.
4. 333 NW 9th Ave. - Not half bad.

D) Shows that I watch:
1. Law and Order SVU
2. Oprah
3. Weeds
4. Big Love

E) People that e-mail me regularly:
1. My mom
2. PG
3. Shop it to me
4. My boss

F) Four places I have been:
1. Italy (The only place that matters!)
2. Prague (Also, not bad)
3. Ireland (MY PEOPLE)
4. Beaverton, OR (More foreign than any of the above. Freaking pod people.)

G) Four of my favorite foods:
1. All fruit
2. Quinoa
3. Cheese
4. Sushi

H) Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Florence
2. In Bali, with Ketut and Wayan
3. Summit Lake
4. At a massage

I) Four things I am looking forward to next year:
1. Being in Grad School
2. Being closer to being out of my 20's...my least favorite decade so far
3. Having Chipotle on Wednesday ... next year
4. A new season of SVU

My intended title was inappropriate... Or, I'm still quoting hilarious things Joe said.

2008-07-08T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have a really obsessive fear of being unimpressive. Well, maybe that is taking it to far... Basically I have this crazy anxiety that if I don't do anything at night that it means that I'm a loser. I think this stems from the fact that I used to be the coolest girl ever. It's true. I ALWAYS had plans. What happened to me?

I'm trying to convince myself that "normal" people go home from work and take care of their home and their families and that it is totally acceptable to not leave your house for the rest of the evening. I think if I lived in the suburbs I might feel differently, but as it is, I live in the heart of downtown PDX and I constantly feel like I am missing out on something. I could be at an art show, or trying out a new restaurant, imbibing at happy hour, working out, walking around... the list goes on and on. And, if I'm not OUT, I feel like I need to be doing something super productive at home. I need to cook, clean, organize, plan, fix things, etc. There is no end.

Basically, I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING at all times or I feel like a giant loser. This is in complete contrast to a good friend of mine who told me that if she is doing things like household chores and errands, she constantly berates herself for not being at home, relaxing, and maybe having a glass of wine (or two!). I think I'd like to find a happy medium.

Does anyone else stress out about this? Or.... is it just me?

Woops!

2008-07-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

I forgot to tell you (and you, and you, and you)... I got accepted into business school! YAY. I am still in shock. On the one hand, how much do you want to bet that they really sent me someone else's acceptance letter? On the other hand, can you remind me why I've CHOSEN to take classes like Financial Reporting, Managerial Accounting and IT Management? This is unreal. It's kind of weird that I'm still in a state of disbelief but everyone else I know says, "I hate to say I told you so..." Maybe I'm not surprised that I "got in" as much as I am overwhelmed by the possibilities and opportunities that will be available to me now. I've felt so limited by choices I've made but this is the kind of decision that will change all of that.

Honest to blog?

2008-07-06T21:09:00.000-07:00

I love the Fourth of July! It's been my favorite holiday for as long as I can remember. That's why it was so bewildering to me that I haven't actually partaken (partook? partaked?) in any Independence Day festivities for three whole years. I blame Graham. Just kidding (kind of). I accept 50% responsibility for not setting anything up since we've been dating. This year, when someone proposed (hmmm that's a nice word...) an idea, I jumped at the opportunity. Lucky for us, I mean ME, it turned out perfectly. We ate dinner at Beaches on the Columbia River and watched the fireworks from our table on the deck. It was totally laid back and perfect. I am so, so, so happy that we had the opportunity to do it.

"You Should Blog About Blogging on the Train." Ok.

2008-06-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, my favorite restaurant in Downtown Seattle was called Iron Horse. I don't know how my parents found it because, from what I remember, it was off the beaten path. I can actually remember riding in the car to go there and my sister insisting that we all lock our doors because "The bums are out!" She always called them bums or hobos.

Iron Horse was a rad burger joint. It was really dark inside because there were no windows. My mom tells me now that it was completely filthy, but to her little girls, it didn't matter, and thanks to its windowlessness, we probably couldn't tell. The best part of going to eat there was that there were toy train tracks going all the way around the restaurant and the little cabooses brought your cheeseburger right to the table. Even now I think that sounds pretty cool.

I was heart broken when they shut down. I would ask to go there for my birthday and Mom always said no because they had closed. Imagine my surprise, 20 years later, to find out that they didn't actually go out of business until I was about 18. One of my roommates in college told me she used to go there all the time.I was so mad!I missed out on a lot of train delivered cheeseburgers with ketchup only. There's no excuse for that one, Mom! Lame.

I am only thinking of Iron Horse right now because I'm stuck on a train (without a cheeseburger, in case you were wondering). We've been sitting in the same place for over an hour. I am literally 10 minutes from my house but there is a freaking river in the way. Apparently the bridge we have to go over is a draw bridge and it won't latch properly. Amtrak employees tried to do it in the dark by themselves for 50 minutes but now they've called in the professionals. Whatever. I might be spending the night on a choo choo train! Yay! Where's the bar?

Some of my fellow passengers are freaking out and being irate with the Amtrak employees but for some reason, I could care less. I might not feel the same when my iPod dies though... In the mean time, I'm rocking out, reclining and blogging about blogging on a train.

It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

LOL, Universe!

2008-06-28T12:12:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had something happen in your life that made you say, "Haha, God. That was a good one. Joke's over"? Up until now, that had only happened once in my life and that was when my Dad died. It was such a huge shock that I felt like the universe was playing a trick on me. "LOL, universe!" I was wrong though and it was very, very real. :( That doesn't mean, however, that I'm not convinced that this world of ours doesn't have a sense of humor. Let me tell you about my second experience with that omniscient prankster of ours...

Murphy's Law has been the predominant theme for nearly every aspect of my MBA application process. (Hmmm, maybe Dad dying wasn't the most appropriate comparison. Woops.) If you haven't yet heard me rant and rave about it, here is a brief synopsis: School loses my GMAT score; school claims to have found my score then marks file complete; school apparently places the wrong student's score report in my file and asks me if I plan to retake the test because they've never accepted a score that low; after receiving an emotional plea to please make sure they review the right score, school decides not to personally respond and to send an automated email saying "Your application is now complete." That's funny, I thought it already was...

But wait, there's more... Personally I think this is where the story gets good. As soon as the GMAT drama was cleared up, school invites me in for an interview. "This is good," I thought to myself, "I am one step closer to being done with this process!" Two days later I showed up for what I now consider the universe's second big attempt at humor in my life. I'll give you the play by play. Why not?

The interview started at 4PM so I showed up promptly at 3:50 PM and announced that I was there for an interview with John. I looked good. This was a business school interview after all so I wore a suit, heels, simple jewelry, and carried a professional looking padfolio with an extra copy of my resume, just-in-case. My heart raced as I waited for John to greet me. In the mean time, a guy wearing worn in Levis and a button down shirt walked into the office and announced that he too was there for a 4PM appointment with John. "Is there another John?" I wondered. I started to worry that I had written my interview time down incorrectly and that I was an hour late or an hour early. What was going on?! I was a wreck.

At 4PM on the dot, John came over and greeted US. Apparently he had decided we didn't need to know it was a group interview in advance. He said, "We like to do the MBA interviews like this because it will be similar to the interaction you'll have in your cohort." We introduced ourselves, broke the ice and then dove into the questions.

Ok, I might have been jumping the gun earlier because THIS is where the story really gets good... The first question was, "Why do you think getting an MBA will help you attain your career goals? Why this school?" Homeboy to the left answered and this is what I heard: "Bla bla bla bla carbon trading bla bla more science stuff bla bla sustainability...Portland is green bla bla bla." Oh great. I hope we aren't competing against each other. I answered the question a bit more succinctly and if you know me at all, you know what I said.

The next question asked us to "Describe your path and how you came to want an MBA." Easy enough, right? This is when I started thinking I was either in the middle of a Saturday Night Live episode or being video taped for America's Funniest Home Videos. Apparently my group interview partner already has an undergrad degree and Ph.D. in molecular biology. MOLECULAR BIOLOGY?! Are you joking me? PH.D.? Really God?! Seriously?! He had also started his own architectural design firm and aspires to get into designing more environmentally efficient buildings. In case you are wondering, I also think it is safe to assume that he enjoys pina coladas and long walks in the sand.

The next question was the type of question that, when prepping for the interview, I told myself there was no way in hell they would ask. In my opinion, it is in line with the question, "Tell me about an activity you are involved in." I mean, bottom line, you could just lie and its not like they'd ever know the difference. "I'm really into canoeing," I could reply. Who's going to argue with that? I digress. The next question sucked.

"How would your coworkers describe you?" Are you for real? My coworkers hate me. How am I supposed to answer a question like that. (To all my coworkers reading this right now, all 2 of you, you know what I'm talking about.) So what did I answer? I completely stumbled on this one, probably more than I've EVER stumbled on an interview question. I said something about being positive, energetic, and a go to gal for getting things done. Whatever. I should have just tried harder to make up something more awesome than that because my pal sitting next to me must have studied the effing thesaurus the night before. His answer; "My coworkers consider me intelligent, motivated, fastidious, ya da ya da ya da..." Once again: Are you kidding me? Intelligent?! That must be a guy thing because I would NEVER assume anyone thought I was intelligent, even if they had said it to my face five times. No way! Someone needs a lesson in humility. Then again, this was probably one of those times in life where you are supposed to brag. Oops.

Is this interview over yet?!

The final question was pretty lame too. "What contribution do you think you would make to your cohort in the MBA program?" Honestly this is another question I really didn't think they would ask. Once again, it is the type of question that just begs for lies in response. I think I'll bring awesome. Who cares? I'll bring chocolate? Not what you're looking for, huh? Oh well. Nonetheless, I think I finished on a strong note, answering that I realized I'd be on the younger end of the spectrum but that I thought it was really important to have the perspective of someone from Gen Y in the group since, statistically, we are taking over the work force... Ok those weren't my exact words, but you knew what I meant. I also said that my level of focus on my studies would be another contribution I'd make to the program. I said that I was afraid I'd let my undergraduate education just "happen to me" but that I was now ready to drive my education and get the most out of every moment. This seemed like a good enough answer at the time and it helped me establish a better sense of rapport with ol' John-John because he seemed to really "get" what I was saying about not wanting to let my education just happen to me and really WANTING this.

I was so relieved to be done with the questions. As I had become more relaxed throughout the interview, I think my potential peer had done the opposite. I could tell he was more nervous because he kept getting a little bit over excited during his answers and he'd raise his voice or talk too fast. Too make matters worse (please don't forget that he was wearing JEANS to the interview) his phone went off half way through and instead of turning it all the way off, he just silenced the call so when that person finished their voicemail, his phone beeped again.WTF?! Isn't turning your cell phone off beforehand part of Interview Etiquette 101? What is this, amateur hour?!

So, I think I've done a pretty good job of establishing the fact that I was overwhelmed by my co-interviewee's level of experience and education. I mean, I was really blown away by his qualifications! So imagine my surprise when he began answering the contribution question by saying, "Well, I'm on the other end of the Generational Spectrum as a member of Gen X. We're the wandering slackers..."

"Clearly that's not the case," I blurted out. I couldn't help myself. We all had a good laugh about that one and then, after he talked about himself for a good five more minutes, the interview was finally finished. Thank you, God.

So that was that. I've never felt worse about an interview so I'm not exactly optimistic about getting into that school... Ya da ya da ya da.

To blog, or not to blog?

2008-06-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am not a very good blogger. This is for two main reasons. The first is that I am not that clever. The second is that I hate, more than anything, to look back on "thoughts" of my past. This is the same reason why I don't keep a diary anymore. By anymore, I mean, since 1998. I am my own worst critic and I am mean. I still have my diary from high school. God, it is horrible. I hate, hate, hate looking back on the stupid things I thought about, but I can't get rid of it either. So it just sits there and collects dust. I can't decide if I should keep blogging or if I should quit to save myself from having to review my thoughts any more than I already do. For the most part, I do want to keep writing, but I need to find a way to separate myself from it, too...

I think I just need to stop being so serious.

love, love we do...

2008-02-20T21:03:00.000-08:00

I hereby promise to use proper capitalization in my blog.

Yesterday I read an article about Sheryl Crow and in it, she talked about surviving breast cancer and breaking off her engagement and how both of these things, these tragedies, contributed to her decision to adopt her son, Wyatt. The point she made was that even after surviving such heart ache, she still had love to give. How amazing is that? Despite the hardships we face, we still have the capacity to love. It took my breath away.

I really started thinking about the possibility that human beings are designed to be this way. Right now, I consider myself agnostic, so I won't try to bring religion into this. I think this is more about the spiritual powers of the universe anyway. We've evolved and evolved and evolved, and one of our enduring characteristics is the ability to love. Pretty amazing if you ask me.

In my life, I have experienced some pretty devestating tragedies. They are the sort of things that some people don't recover from, the sort of life events that give people an excuse to act poorly and behave inappropriately for years to come. When I was on a retreat in high school, a family friend wrote me a letter of encouragement and in it, she said something along the lines of, "Alana, if you had lost your way in life, we would have excused you and we would have understood, but you didn't do that. You've survived great adversity and made us proud." (I might have embellished the "made us proud" part...oh well...) I think about that letter a lot. Did I have an excuse to be a jerk because my life was harder than others? The thought never crossed my mind.

In 2006, my Dad died unexpectedly. It's still so raw, so hard to accept, so sad. There are days when I pick up my phone and forget that I can't just dial his number to talk to him. Shortly after he passed away I went to a couple sessions with a counselor. I remember pouring my heart out to this woman as I tried to work through my grief and the one thing she said to me that meant anything was, "You have an amazingly optimistic spirit. Despite your suffering, you still exude such a positive energy."

I can't speak to the accuracy of those observations. Did I turn out alright? Maybe. Am I a source of positive energy? Could be. Who knows? Who am I to say? The point is this: that despite my personal tragedies, people could still see the hope inside of me. I didn't ask for it, the hope was just there. It was in me like the ability to love is in each of us.

I've experienced sadness and heart ache but I've never felt that I had no more love to give. As I wrote earlier, the thought never crossed my mind. We can all give more, we can all be more and we can all do more... Sometimes we just need a reminder that there really is no excuse.

Be love.

Is what we were always what we are?

2007-12-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

Simply put, can people really change? I am fixated on the possibility of our capacity to do just that: Change. I'm not sure if it's the book I'm reading, the long conversation I had with an old friend, or an observation of my own behavior that made me ask myself, "Is what we were always what we are?"

I'm reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I've owned this book for almost two years and I regret every day that I didn't pick it up. It is amazing. I can't decide exactly what draws me in, but I think the main reason I am so anxious to turn the page is that I have no idea what I will read next. The story of these two Afghan boys is foreign to me. Although I can’t relate to the story of Amir and Hassan, I empathize with the pain and regret Amir describes. Because he wasn’t initially able to confront his demons, they haunted him for years to come. In his mind, he would always be guilty of cowardice and disloyalty. With 70 pages left, I am beginning to understand that this reality, perhaps like all of our realities, is subject to change. To describe Amir’s experience as overcoming his past sounds so cliché. I’m not sure we can ever “overcome the past.” Sometimes our only option is to accept it and choose to move forward and with that decision we are changed.

Or maybe that’s just what we tell ourselves. After two years of not speaking to a friend, I ran into her on the street and immediately knew that things needed to change. I don’t think I will ever fully understand myself or even be able to articulate my reasons for ending our friendship. The most honest thing I can say about it is that I needed to grow up and at the time, I thought our friendship was holding me back. Excluding previous boyfriends, this is one of my top five biggest regrets in life. I don’t regret recognizing that I needed to change my lifestyle, but I do regret the way I treated my friend. Like Amir in The Kite Runner, I’m not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.

Two years came and went. Our lives changed in every possible way. But put us in a room together and we still laugh like hell. I can’t believe I missed two years of that laughter. Last week, we met for drinks, appetizers and good conversation. I realized afterwards that even though it seemed like everything was different, there were so many things that were exactly the same. It amazed me how quickly I could revert to some of the characteristics of my 23-year-old-self. Why is that? Am I still that person? At the root of it all, am I still the person I worked so hard to grow out of? The truth is: I hope not. I hope that I am a stronger person than I was at 23. I am hopeful that I have the ability to change.

what a way to make a livin'

2007-12-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

i'd like to talk about work. office romances. hot gossip. snotty coworkers. firm secrets.

get ready for it.

did i mention i work in hr? kind of, anyway. i kind of work in hr.

despite what it may look like, i'm not in the mood to commit career suicide. when i wrote that i wanted to talk about work, i meant that i want to talk about not wanting to talk about work. why do people do that anyway? the only people who care about what's going on in your office are the people IN your office. is that mean? i honestly want to support my friends, but i don't need to know that the denver branch is out of paper clips.

on the other hand, i do want to hear about my friends' struggles, questions, goals, and successes. does a real friend get to pick and choose? urgh. i like listening to these things. people tell me their stuff and then i pretend like i have an inkling of insight to share. i might not have had the most traditional career path, i may not even be on an official "career path" yet, but this is what i know:

pay your dues. (without a visa.)
for as long as i can remember, this is my favorite part of any lecture. say you're attending an event and there is a guest speaker. inevitably, the speaker tells the story about how they started out as a bathroom attendant and ended up the ceo. that's going to be me! honestly, one of my goals in life is to one day be able to give that sort of speech. i can't say today that i am thankful that i had to empty dishes and clean the kitchen for a year, but maybe someday i will. and then, in 2036, when i'm the president of abcxyz company, (yes, my mom thinks i'm going to be the president of this place. i haven't told her that it's not actually possible.), i will tell a group of new hires about my days of cleaning conference rooms.

learn it, then earn it. (i made that up.)
i am a card carrying member of generation y. (as if the blog wasn't a big enough hint...) some blame it on the late, great mr. rogers. they say that as a generation, he taught us to believe that we were wonderful, valuable, worthy human beings. aren't we? upon graduating college, i thought the world was my oyster. employers were lucky to have me. boy was i wrong. wrong, wrong, wrong. i wasn't entitled to the job of my dreams or to the responsibility that matched my capability either. i was the lucky one: lucky to have a job. this wasn't an easy lesson for me. it ate away at me, in fact. eventually, the good jobs started coming my way. first little things, then more complex projects. day by day, i learned how to do the jobs and eventually i earned the responsibility i had hoped for. earning the right to do what i am capable of is the most rewarding experience i can remember.

choose your attitude.
this sounds simple enough but it requires a lot of thought and intention. victor frankl wrote, "the one thing you can't take away from me is the way i choose to respond to what you do to me. the last of one's freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance." granted, this man is a concentration camp survivor, but who among us hasn't referred to at least one boss as "hitler"? they even call the bossy surgeon on grey's anatomy, "the nazi." i really need to shut up... the point is that we do have the power to choose our attitude. you can't control what happens to you, but you can control what you do about it. in january or february of this year, i made a decision to be happy at work. pms aside, it's my only option. i can honestly say that making that decision has changed all of my day to day interactions, my ability to do my job and exceed expectations, and my career and goals in general. i put that positivity out there and it has been given back to me many times over. try it.

i started this section by saying, "this is what i know." i'm not going to lie, i know more than these three things. i know at least six or seven. stay tuned.

hello world...

2007-12-11T22:03:00.000-08:00

so, my mama said not to blog. really, she did. therefore, i've decided to dedicate my first ever post in her honor.

i actually spell mama with three "m's", one "o", and an "a", but who's counting? she is, probably. in fact, if she is reading this, which she undoubtedly will, i expect she will also have something to say about my lack of proper capitalization. i'll work on it, mom, i promise. usually, i follow her advice. she is a sage most of the thyme. bad puns and homonyms aside, today i am a rebel. did you know you can be 25 years old and still consider yourself a rebel for going against your mother's advice? true story.

here's the other thing about my mom: she is concerned that i might have a tendency to isolate myself. hysterical, isn't it? i am writing a blog. pretty sure that qualifies as a self-isolating sort of thing. sorry mom!

the truth of the matter is that i love my mother. more than anything. more than air. i love her in an unhealthy way and i'll be the first to admit it. i've informed her that she is actually "not allowed" to die. did i already use the word unhealthy? in the past fifteen months, my mom has literally blown me away. in the wake of our horrible tragedy, she has exemplified grace beyond all of my previously understood definitions of the word.

after 30 years and 11 days of marriage and 14 months of grieving the loss of my father, my mom shared her gratitude at our thanksgiving table for a great year. she thanked our family members and friends for making it possible. and maybe they helped. maybe it was comforting to know they were physically there and still technically available for her, but the truth is, she is the most independent woman i know. she, alone, made a great year happen for herself.

my mom has demonstrated to me how to live a life worth living. if she wants something to happen, she makes it happen. in the past year, she has gotten involved in local politics, religiously protested this ridiculous war, established good relationships with truly interesting friends, given her time and money to various non-profit organizations, travelled all over, began getting regular pedicures for the first time in her life, redecorated her entire house, and finally convinced me to read for pleasure. best of all: she plans to do more. the woman doesn't stop.

mom: i aspire to be like you every day of my life. please don't be mad at me for writing a blog. sorry it got a little sappy...