Is what we were always what we are?

Simply put, can people really change? I am fixated on the possibility of our capacity to do just that: Change. I'm not sure if it's the book I'm reading, the long conversation I had with an old friend, or an observation of my own behavior that made me ask myself, "Is what we were always what we are?"

I'm reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I've owned this book for almost two years and I regret every day that I didn't pick it up. It is amazing. I can't decide exactly what draws me in, but I think the main reason I am so anxious to turn the page is that I have no idea what I will read next. The story of these two Afghan boys is foreign to me. Although I can’t relate to the story of Amir and Hassan, I empathize with the pain and regret Amir describes. Because he wasn’t initially able to confront his demons, they haunted him for years to come. In his mind, he would always be guilty of cowardice and disloyalty. With 70 pages left, I am beginning to understand that this reality, perhaps like all of our realities, is subject to change. To describe Amir’s experience as overcoming his past sounds so cliché. I’m not sure we can ever “overcome the past.” Sometimes our only option is to accept it and choose to move forward and with that decision we are changed.

Or maybe that’s just what we tell ourselves. After two years of not speaking to a friend, I ran into her on the street and immediately knew that things needed to change. I don’t think I will ever fully understand myself or even be able to articulate my reasons for ending our friendship. The most honest thing I can say about it is that I needed to grow up and at the time, I thought our friendship was holding me back. Excluding previous boyfriends, this is one of my top five biggest regrets in life. I don’t regret recognizing that I needed to change my lifestyle, but I do regret the way I treated my friend. Like Amir in The Kite Runner, I’m not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.

Two years came and went. Our lives changed in every possible way. But put us in a room together and we still laugh like hell. I can’t believe I missed two years of that laughter. Last week, we met for drinks, appetizers and good conversation. I realized afterwards that even though it seemed like everything was different, there were so many things that were exactly the same. It amazed me how quickly I could revert to some of the characteristics of my 23-year-old-self. Why is that? Am I still that person? At the root of it all, am I still the person I worked so hard to grow out of? The truth is: I hope not. I hope that I am a stronger person than I was at 23. I am hopeful that I have the ability to change.

what a way to make a livin'

i'd like to talk about work. office romances. hot gossip. snotty coworkers. firm secrets.

get ready for it.

did i mention i work in hr? kind of, anyway. i kind of work in hr.

despite what it may look like, i'm not in the mood to commit career suicide. when i wrote that i wanted to talk about work, i meant that i want to talk about not wanting to talk about work. why do people do that anyway? the only people who care about what's going on in your office are the people IN your office. is that mean? i honestly want to support my friends, but i don't need to know that the denver branch is out of paper clips.

on the other hand, i do want to hear about my friends' struggles, questions, goals, and successes. does a real friend get to pick and choose? urgh. i like listening to these things. people tell me their stuff and then i pretend like i have an inkling of insight to share. i might not have had the most traditional career path, i may not even be on an official "career path" yet, but this is what i know:

pay your dues. (without a visa.)
for as long as i can remember, this is my favorite part of any lecture. say you're attending an event and there is a guest speaker. inevitably, the speaker tells the story about how they started out as a bathroom attendant and ended up the ceo. that's going to be me! honestly, one of my goals in life is to one day be able to give that sort of speech. i can't say today that i am thankful that i had to empty dishes and clean the kitchen for a year, but maybe someday i will. and then, in 2036, when i'm the president of abcxyz company, (yes, my mom thinks i'm going to be the president of this place. i haven't told her that it's not actually possible.), i will tell a group of new hires about my days of cleaning conference rooms.

learn it, then earn it. (i made that up.)
i am a card carrying member of generation y. (as if the blog wasn't a big enough hint...) some blame it on the late, great mr. rogers. they say that as a generation, he taught us to believe that we were wonderful, valuable, worthy human beings. aren't we? upon graduating college, i thought the world was my oyster. employers were lucky to have me. boy was i wrong. wrong, wrong, wrong. i wasn't entitled to the job of my dreams or to the responsibility that matched my capability either. i was the lucky one: lucky to have a job. this wasn't an easy lesson for me. it ate away at me, in fact. eventually, the good jobs started coming my way. first little things, then more complex projects. day by day, i learned how to do the jobs and eventually i earned the responsibility i had hoped for. earning the right to do what i am capable of is the most rewarding experience i can remember.

choose your attitude.
this sounds simple enough but it requires a lot of thought and intention. victor frankl wrote, "the one thing you can't take away from me is the way i choose to respond to what you do to me. the last of one's freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance." granted, this man is a concentration camp survivor, but who among us hasn't referred to at least one boss as "hitler"? they even call the bossy surgeon on grey's anatomy, "the nazi." i really need to shut up... the point is that we do have the power to choose our attitude. you can't control what happens to you, but you can control what you do about it. in january or february of this year, i made a decision to be happy at work. pms aside, it's my only option. i can honestly say that making that decision has changed all of my day to day interactions, my ability to do my job and exceed expectations, and my career and goals in general. i put that positivity out there and it has been given back to me many times over. try it.

i started this section by saying, "this is what i know." i'm not going to lie, i know more than these three things. i know at least six or seven. stay tuned.

hello world...

so, my mama said not to blog. really, she did. therefore, i've decided to dedicate my first ever post in her honor.

i actually spell mama with three "m's", one "o", and an "a", but who's counting? she is, probably. in fact, if she is reading this, which she undoubtedly will, i expect she will also have something to say about my lack of proper capitalization. i'll work on it, mom, i promise. usually, i follow her advice. she is a sage most of the thyme. bad puns and homonyms aside, today i am a rebel. did you know you can be 25 years old and still consider yourself a rebel for going against your mother's advice? true story.

here's the other thing about my mom: she is concerned that i might have a tendency to isolate myself. hysterical, isn't it? i am writing a blog. pretty sure that qualifies as a self-isolating sort of thing. sorry mom!

the truth of the matter is that i love my mother. more than anything. more than air. i love her in an unhealthy way and i'll be the first to admit it. i've informed her that she is actually "not allowed" to die. did i already use the word unhealthy? in the past fifteen months, my mom has literally blown me away. in the wake of our horrible tragedy, she has exemplified grace beyond all of my previously understood definitions of the word.

after 30 years and 11 days of marriage and 14 months of grieving the loss of my father, my mom shared her gratitude at our thanksgiving table for a great year. she thanked our family members and friends for making it possible. and maybe they helped. maybe it was comforting to know they were physically there and still technically available for her, but the truth is, she is the most independent woman i know. she, alone, made a great year happen for herself.

my mom has demonstrated to me how to live a life worth living. if she wants something to happen, she makes it happen. in the past year, she has gotten involved in local politics, religiously protested this ridiculous war, established good relationships with truly interesting friends, given her time and money to various non-profit organizations, travelled all over, began getting regular pedicures for the first time in her life, redecorated her entire house, and finally convinced me to read for pleasure. best of all: she plans to do more. the woman doesn't stop.

mom: i aspire to be like you every day of my life. please don't be mad at me for writing a blog. sorry it got a little sappy...